Sigh, acrimonious words that were used against me by a close friend. Her words stung like hell. Didn’t know blogging could hurt so bad, to both parties. Forgive me, please, for my post and for my poor choice of words, it was my mistake. I thought we were okay with it. It’s not that I’m full of myself or anything; I really thought it was a moment worth sharing. I'm really sorry.

It’s the 13^th again. How I wish I could turn back time.

I love you, still. =(

-Shad-

Right now i have close to 700 pictures in the camera. Transferring them to my laptop is a bitch. Aih. Will blog about Nam soon =)

Bandar Sunway – A 20 year old student from Malacca was found dead in her hostel room late yesterday morning, the police reported. They said the student, Buttercup had been found dead with an open packet of nasi lemak still in her hand and her notes on Media on the other hand. There were visible indications of trauma and nasi lemak on the student still. According to the authorities, the investigation has not been classified as a homicide or a hit and run nasi lemak case; however both the Sunway police department and Bukit Baru Police Force have people assisting in the case. At first they concluded this case as a typical study-stress-death syndrome, but CSI Sunway director, Dato Dr Horatio has reasons to believe that Buttercup was a victim of a murder. He released a statement mentioning the demise of Buttercup and her current record of HD (High Distinctions) which may have led to the murder. He also said an autopsy of the body will be the standard procedure in determining the cause of her death. Her close friend, Chevonne Goh who only wanted to be known as C said that Buttercup “was a friend who studied too much” and “didn’t have time for meals” With this overwhelmingly accurate information, the CSI team are close in solving the case with a few possible conclusions.

When asked about his opinion on the Buttercup case, former Prime Minister Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad says that he will still not quit as adviser to Proton and Petronas voluntarily. “Those oppositions…apa ni.. are trying to frame me. So..apa ni... don’t listen to rumors la..ah.” he added. Wanita Umno chief Datuk Seri Rafidah Aziz was seen leaving the scene with the Media notes in her hand, stressing that education is relatively important. When asked what she was doing with the notes, she insisted that Media is a ‘suicidal subject’ and she planned to ‘burn the notes to make sure nobody suffers from them again.’

There will be a candlelight memorial, honoring the life of the nasi lemak tycoon / student, where her underground nasi lemak dealings will be sorely missed.

HAHAHA. This is all FICTION!!! there ya go, you wanted an obituary and you got it =P STUDY HARD and STOP LAZYING AROUND!! ALL THE BEST! XD

Yay!! I’m done with my exams! Back to my newfound hobby, blogging!

Before that I would like to apologize for my emo posts. It has been a tough time for me to cope with the change. Still is, but I took a deep breath, and I agreed on being her friend, and just a friend. Acclimatizing to this change is mind-bearingly(if there is such a word) intoxicating but at the very least, I still have her as a friend. I don’t ever want to have such a priceless work of art I call AlmY to be forgotten in the realms of a broken man. As to that, I am learning how to suck in my gut and bottle up everything just to make this friendship work. Life goes on, right?

Anyways, while I was busy studying my life away, I stumbled upon this article on Reader’s Digest. Contrary to what some of my friends think, I was actually searching for articles RELATED to my studies. Sheesh! Ok what I’m going to talk about is extremely and stereotypically racist. For those of you who believe in the lies that is the racist-free-paradise, please stay, as it gives me great joy in bursting your little fantasy bubble. Racism is everywhere, no matter how hard you try to avert your eyes, it wouldn’t just walk away. So, why not poke a little humor in it. For the others, just stay la kay. =D

Now, as I was flipping the pages, this headline caught my attention.

The only characteristic that I could extract out of that picture is that he’s Chinese! What else is there that could make him stand out from the rest? Nothing! Now before you judge my dry sense of humor, listen to my explanation. I went up to 3 Indian guys, and one Indian Yamunah (moo). I showed them the picture and they said the same thing. How can you tell him from the other Asians? One of them even said, ‘Cha, I could’ve sworn I saw Hong Kong Knifer studying electronics dei!‘ LMAO! The question is, how do they differentiate Hong Kong Knifer from Hong Kong people? Now here’s the mind boggling part, I showed all that to one Chinese guy and one Chinese girl. To my utmost surprise, they both pointed out what separates him from the rest, his closed set eyes, his longish face and some other thingy which I forgot. The characteristics which I have unintentionally missed.

Then it hit me. I’m the racist one here. Yup, in one glance, I concluded what I saw without even giving a second thought about it. What I thought started out as a joke, turned out to be a jolt back to reality for me. I’ve become someone, whom I have tried so hard not to be. To tell you the truth, it only hit me while I was writing this post. I sincerely apologize if I had offended anyone. I love all races, really. Indian, Chinese, Malay. I guess this is one life lesson that I’ll never forget. STOP BEING SO RACIST DAMMIT! Heh, sorry Mr Hong Kong Knifer.

i wonder why they didn't put up this picture in Asia's Most Wanted =p

I miss the love you once had for me.

I miss the calls and messages from you.

I miss the time we spent together.

I miss the sound of your heartbeat against mine.

I miss your warmth.

I miss your tenderness.

I miss running my hands through your hair.

I miss the smell of your hair.

I miss your cute lil nose!

I miss the Eskimo kisses =)

I miss the kisses.

I miss kissing your forehead.

I miss the way you kissed me.

I miss the taste of your lips.

I miss lying next to you.

I miss watching you sleep.

I miss waking up next to you.

I miss the way you tickled me =D

I miss the way you held my hands.

I miss the visits to the Petronas.

I miss the long walks we take from our tuition.

I miss the long walks with you, period.

I miss you riding piggyback on me, even though you were so afraid I might drop you.

I miss driving you around.

I miss the little quips we share in the car.

I miss arguing about the species of swhale =)

I miss the cute nicknames you gave me.

I miss looking at the expression on your face when u see pictures of a baby.

I miss hearing you play that little keyboard you have in your room.

I miss the food you cooked for me.

I miss picking you up from school.

I miss sharing simple meals with you in my room.

I miss the short notes you used to pass to me during tuition.

I miss the letters you used to give to me.

I miss the anniversaries.

I miss the sweet little presents you used to surprise me with.

I miss the way you made me feel so comfortable talking to.

I miss having you worrying for me every day and night.

I miss the shopping trips we always have.

I miss the webcamming sessions.

I miss the long talks about our future.

I miss looking at you talking about our life.

I miss how proud you used to be of me.

I miss hugging you when you were scared.

I miss hugging you.

I miss the way you made me feel when you touched me.

I miss the way you sneeze.

I miss the way you talk.

I miss the way you bring yourself.

I miss the way you kissed me.

I miss the way you make me laugh.

I miss the way you look at me.

I miss your sweet laughs.

I miss you being my girlfriend.

I miss everything about you.

I miss you.

I’m sorry for not being there when I should.

I’m sorry for not treating you better.

I’m sorry for not saying ‘I love you’ in public and in front of my friends.

I’m sorry for lying so much to you.

I’m sorry for not treating you like a girlfriend.

I’m sorry for not being passionate enough about our relationship.

I’m sorry for making you cry so much.

I’m sorry I took you for granted.

I’m sorry for getting too comfortable with you.

I’m sorry for not seeing what you really need as a girlfriend.

I’m sorry for not uploading pictures of us on fb/fs

I’m sorry for not holding your hands in public.

I’m sorry for all the shit I made you go through.

I’m sorry for saying all those mean things to you.

I’m sorry for being an idiot.

I’m sorry for losing so many things you got for me.

I’m sorry for not wearing your ring often enough.

I’m sorry for not thinking like you.

I’m sorry I was raised in a different environment.

I’m sorry for making you mad all the time.

I’m sorry I got you in trouble with your family.

I’m sorry for causing a rift between you and your family.

I’m sorry for not being a Chinese to avoid all the complications.

I’m sorry for being me.

I’m sorry for being the worst boyfriend you could ever have.

"Perfect World"

I never could’ve seen this far
I never could’ve seen this coming
Seems like my world’s falling apart

Why is everything so hard
I don’t think I can deal with the things you said
It just won’t go away

In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You’d still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all

I used to think that I was strong
Until the day it all went wrong
I think I need a miracle to make it through


I wish that I could bring you back
I wish that I could turn back time
Cuz I can’t let go
I just can’t find my way
Without you I just can’t find my way


I don’t know what I should do now
I don’t know where I should go
I’m still here waiting for you
I’m lost when you’re not around
I need to hold on to you
I just can’t let you go

I know it’s rather cliché to put up lyrics of a song on your blog, but after a heart wrenching break up, you tend to appreciate every single word in a song. You tend to understand its meaning and try to drown yourself in their lyrics that just make so much sense at that moment. Believe me this; I've never felt pain greater than this. I know there’s more shit happening in this world that is a hundred times more painful and worth giving a damn about than mine. Senseless murders, child rapists, tortured prisoners, cancer, the cat that I accidentally killed, the works. But right now, mine exceeds all that I once cared about. To put it simply, I just don’t care about anything anymore. The weight of the world felt a damn lot heavier now that she’s gone. To make it worse, she’s moving on fine without me. Now, I know she meant well when she gave me lots of advices on how to let go but what she doesn’t know is that to me, every word she says is layered with venom that sinks into your arteries permanently destroying everything. God, she wanted so much to move on.

Sigh, I don’t want to dwell in the past but the past is the only memory I got of her actually loving me. The cards she made for me, the letters she wrote to me with all her heart, the gifts she bought me, the money she spent on me. It all brings tears to my eyes, just reminiscing those times together. We went through a lot of trouble trying to be with each other, because of our feelings we survived year after year after year. We even dreamt of a future together, something which I always look out for. It’s enough for me to take any challenges that life has in store for me. I actually had a dream to realize. So yea, I want to live in those memories where her love was unconditional and eternal. She was so in love with me and I didn’t appreciate that enough. Now she seems so distant, so cold. I tried everything to put everything back together again, make our relationship work but she was prepared to move on. She was tired of my antics, tired of the pain I have brought upon her. She even dropped the bomb on me by saying the unspeakable, the bad dreams of all healthy relationships. She said that she has no feelings whatsoever for me anymore. Ah, I thought my wounds were painful enough; nothing could ever prepare anyone in my shoes for those words of hers.

Yet I still love her.

I’ve accepted the fact that she has zero feelings for me yet I still want her back. I love her too damn much to let go. Sigh, I think I know how this is going to end for me. First, I’m going to throw myself in self-recrimination by blaming everything on myself. This is true in fact. Then, I will be in a state of denial and start harassing her so that we could get the relationship back on the road. After that, I’m going to start hating her for hurting me and not caring about the permanent damage that she has caused. I will start saying things and doing things to her which I would regret later and then she would start hating me. And finally, I would be in a total state of depression. She would find a nice looking guy and appreciate him, maybe tell him how her ex was such an asshole for saying those hurtful words. I don’t think anything is going to change in 10 years time. It hurts just thinking about it.

Gah! Isn’t my love enough? Doesn’t it matter anymore? The future that we wanted to build, don’t you still yearn for that? I still do. In those cards you said that you would love me forever so many times, was that a lie? Isn’t our relationship worth another try? I know you’re tired of everything, but isn’t having someone who will love you no matter what and support you in everything you do something to look forward to? You probably have a few of those but nobody in this world can love you as much as I do. I will never move on from this spot because the memories of you and me are something I really treasure. I don’t want it to be just a memory but do I have a choice in this matter?

My life isn’t interesting anymore, everything is just so dull.

To the young lovers out there, love is unconditional, but never eternal. I’m the only one who still believes that its eternal though. I still love her.